Before you storm down my street with pitchforks and torches, hear me out. I’m not asking you to join my bandwagon, I’m just asking you to read my rant about the asshole I share a roof with.
I have two dogs, and one is really chill, but the other (who I’ve ranted about here) is obnoxious on a whole other level. He’s the one on the left in the photo above. Not the pitbull.
He thinks it’s his responsibility to protect the house, so I have to live in darkness with all the shades closed around the house so he has nothing to bark at. Every time he barks I practically jump out of my skin because I startle so easily.
My husband and I excitedly took a road trip down to the Carolinas a few years ago to pick up this asshole.
We should have seen the red flag when they called us an hour into our 14 hour drive. They told us he had a ton of stomach and health issues and we could have another puppy if we wanted. We both looked at each other with sad faces and decided that we couldn’t possibly give up on this cutie. We chose him, we were going to deal with the consequences. OH THE IRONY.
Somewhere along the line along with the continued stomach issues, my asshole dog, developed anxiety issues. This dog is ridiculously smart and I think that contributes to the anxiety. The second he is outside, any training and any listening goes right out the window. We cannot happily take him on walks, he freaks out the entire time. We got him a friend (she’s on the left here) to help, but he’s more obnoxious with each passing day.
No place to take him
He got kicked out of the boarding facility, but that one pisses me off. I’m on my dog’s side on that one. BUT STILL. We have no place to take him because he’s so obnoxious. I cried when the boarding place had that talk with us. I felt trapped. Thankfully, we found a nice person to come and house sit now when we leave. That was weird at first though. “Hi, total stranger, can you come live in my house for a week? K. Thanks.”
I don’t feel like I can ever comfortably host people. That’s why I never invite people over. People say “oh put him away!” WE CAN’T. WE CANNOT DO THAT. He will scratch and scratch the shit out of any barrier in his way. I’ve seen this beast CHEW THROUGH A DOORKNOB. Yes, you read that correctly, a metal doorknob.
And. AND. WHEN HE ESCAPES. FORGETTABOUTIT. You’ll waste two hours of your life chasing this freakin’ dog. Only to have him give up when he’s tired.
One time he escaped while we were visiting our in-laws. In their community there’s rules about dogs being on leashes at all time. This terrified older woman was holding back her grandkids, as if she’s never seen a dog before, and yelled “Dogs are supposed to be on leashes at all times!”
I was literally sprinting after my asshole dog, and I angrily hollered back, “Do you really think I did this on purpose?”
Another time, at our latest home, he escaped when my husband was on a business trip. I didn’t even know he escaped at first. Somehow one of the gates in the yard flew open. I was alone and I had a 6-month-old. I called my husband in a complete panic. I threw my kiddo in a stroller and headed out clueless on how to capture my asshole dog. In some weird struck of luck, I tricked him. I shouted “WHO’S HERE?” and that was magic to his stupid asshole ears. He ran into the garage and I shoved his actual ass inside that door so quick.
Afterwards, my husband told me he seriously thought I wasn’t going to catch him and that he had it in his head he’d never see the dog again.
Clean up, aisle 7
Also. He pukes. All the time. My husband is in denial about it, but my husband always volunteers to clean it because he knows how pissed off I get. This week he has puked in the house twice. He does this every week. Pukes. Pukes. Pukes.
He spends his time outside barking at the wind. Last night, after 45 minutes of pleading with him to come inside and finally getting him in, he decides now is the time to puke in the house. So what did I do? Open the door to let him right back outside so he could continue to vomit. *que the angry tears*
I want to evict my asshole roommate
This dog seriously makes me miserable, but I love my husband more than I hate my dog. I fear if we give him away, two things could happen. My husband could grow to resent me, and no one will love this asshole dog more than my saint of a husband does.
I don’t wish any harm to him, I just want to evict my asshole roommate. That’s not happening any time soon, so I’ll just rant to the internet. You are the true hero, listening to me vent about my asshole dog.